The Dance of the Shadows

Posted: July 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

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-Bansky

As I sit surrounded by the soundscape of the season, I contemplate the very core of my being. I gaze at the reflection across from me and wonder: is it I or the image across from me that walks in the real and the concrete? Is it I who dances among the shadows or he? These are the fleeting thoughts that I entertain rather than focusing on the task at hand.

Contemplating on the musings of brilliance, I question my significance. Beings on an artificial plane of existence have created and enacted numerous revolutions and uprisings within the blink of an eye. Yet, here I sit trying to crack the formula of success and wonder what piece of myself am I sacrificing to fit the mold.

It is my hope that I dance among the great philosopher kings and not among the shadows. I want to break free from the shadows and live in a world of light. I want to basque in the serenity of  sincereism and the calm that comes with the absolution to do so.  I want to move with the natural soundtracks that this world’s landscapes have to offer.

A world where the known and the unknown merge into an orgy of knowledge and wisdom. This is where my weary mind takes its flight of fancy at this midnight hour. A journey with seemingly no end, a journey, which I am uncertain I desire to return from.

I am great in a crisis…

Posted: November 20, 2012 in humor, office humor
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At the beginning of the academic year, my office was moved into the counseling center. The Campus Counseling Center is within the department I work in, so I am fully aware of the situations that arise throughout the semester. The highs, the lows, and the times when things get a little cray for students (usually around mid-terms and finals).

Part of my job is helping students know what their rights and responsibilities are, guiding them through policies, procedures, grievance processes, and advocating for their needs. So, students often wander into my office with questions, concerns, and just to chat. One day, while our front desk worker was on their lunch break (who usually handles the walk-ins) a student wandered into my office, took a seat, and asked: “So, how does this work?”

I was a bit perplexed, and asked what his problem was assuming that it was a possible grievance issue. About two minutes in, I realized his problems were a bit more severe and out of my range of expertise.

I awkwardly threw my hands in the air: “Oh, I’m not…I don’t…I mean, I’m a great listener, but…Oh God!” I collected myself and explained, “What I’m trying to say is I am not a licensed counselor.”

I promptly set up an appointment with someone that was much more qualified to assist. This moment also prompted me to try and label my office a bit more clearer.

This also made me realize that I am on the front lines now. At any moment a crisis could walk through the doors of the counseling center, and I may be the only one around to handle it. Counselors gave me some advice and how to handle walk-ins that seemed distressed and in full freak-out mode. I kept telling myself that I am GREAT in a crisis.

Some time later, the front desk person had the day off. The door opened, and I poked my head out of my office to see how I could assist the student.

Student: I need to see E (counselor) right away!

Me: She’s with a client right now, but let’s take a look at when she’s available next. You need to see her right away you said?

Student: Yes, I called her earlier and she said to come right down.

The student was red in the face, seemed out of breath. This is distress…This is it; This is happening right now, I thought.  I am GREAT in a crisis! Let’s do this!

Me: (Pause with a look of concern right before blurting out) Are you suicidal?

Things took a turn, the student is now donning a very puzzled somewhat disgusted look.

Student: Um…no…I just need to drop off these scantrons. E said she needed them today, so I ran down as fast as I could, so she would have them in time.

Me: Oh…well uhhh, why don’t you just take a seat, and she should be done with her client in about ten minutes or so…Aaaaand I’ve made things very awkward now, so I’m just gonna go back into my office…I’m just…gonna go…

I promptly returned to my office, slumped in my chair, and gave myself a nice hearty face-palm.

I am GREAT in a crisis…or someday will be…this day was just not my moment to shine.

I have a pretty sweet job. One of the main things our department does on campus is plan and implement activities for the student body. As a result, I get to do a lot of pretty cool things. The latest project was renting out a theater for the premiere of…wait for it…the latest installment in the Twilight saga. Breaking Dawn Part II. There are a lot of perks that come with my jobby job. This isn’t one of them.

Keep in mind I haven’t seen any of the previous films nor have I read any of the books. The moment I learned that vampires sparkle in this series has spurned a barrage of mockery from me ever since. This was a vampire mythos I could not get on board with. Consequently, a co-worker of mine expressed she was cashing in on a favor that was long over-due for missing out on last year’s theater rental for the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part I. We agreed then, my payment would be to go to a movie of her choosing. Little did I know she would hold out a whole year let alone remember my little debt. I braced myself for the worst, but also told myself that it couldn’t all be bad. I had it on good authority that the majority of scenes showcased shirtless hunks and this installment contained a battle of epic proportions.

Below are my live-tweets as I embarked on this melodromatic and broody journey. Fair warning, there are tons of SPOILERS! I am sure my live-tweets have already caused tween rage and brought forth the wrath of angsty Twilight fanatics who were unable to make it to the premiere. Yeah, well bite me.

I’m gonna need this caffeine to get through this. God help me…

Live-Tweets during the viewing of Breaking Dawn Part II

  • I was just informed there are mind bubbles involved…OH MY…
  • Theater ad just instructed me to turn off my phone and abstain from using it during the film. Nope, not gonna do it!
  • Here we go. There are squeals throughout the theater & they haven’t even shown vamps and wolves without their shirts yet.
  • Cheesy groping within the first 5 seconds. Even with red eyes she’s still pretty expressionless.

  • Did he seriously just ask her to sniff him!?

  • The fact the baby was nicknamed Nessie gives me hope for this film
  • Am I the only one that finds vampy foreplay to be super awkward!?

  • And Jacob is stripping…STRIPPING!!! This movie just got momentarily better. And the theater is rejoicing and cheering. Even the dudes, although I suspect their cheers are meant to be ironic.
  • Aaaaand the moment has passed. Back to shit I don’t understand.
  • Oh the sparkles! I just can’t take the SPARKLES!
  • Edmund’s face or more specifically his overdone facial expressions freak my shiz out!
  • Heads r rollin, baby drooling blood, more sparkles, what appears to be brooding & ominous flashbacks. No idea what is happening right now.
  • I don’t understand why all these vamps have mutant powers…

  • Tyra Banks became an Amazon vamp, and she still smises like a boss!
  • Vamp vamp vamp of the jungle, watch out for that tree!!!
  • Dude! It’s Hans and Frans! These Romanian vamps are sassy!
  • Black smoke monster from Lost apparently became a vamp.
  • Mind bubbles!!! Vamp mutant training has begun.
  • Had to take a pee break and upon my return realized this theater is starting to get a little ripe…
  • I think an epic battle is about to take place. After a long lull of boredom, things have taken an interesting turn.
  • Did Edward & red coat dude with long flowing hair (brunette Fabio) just share an intimate moment as they held hand & mind melded?
  • FIGHT!!! ::cue Mortal Kombat theme music::
  • EPIC MINDBUBBLES!!! YUSSSSS!!!
  • I don’t understand what is going on with brunette Fabio’s fancy pants speech…
  • So many sneers!!!
  • FATALITY! Fatalities galore!!!

  • So many dead puppies! I may need to process…
  • Shit just got real…

Final Tweet:

I feel so utterly cheated right now and simultaneously nauseous…I DEFINITELY need to process now…UGH!

Needless to say, I was not amused with what transpired toward the conclusion and the ending was just gross. However, the experience of watching the film in a theater full of college students (many with whom our department work with) laughing at the absurd moments, cheering at decapitation and maulings, and the mystery science theater esque atmosphere made it well worth it. Will I run out and get the previous installments or the books? That’s an emphatic NO.

Do I regret going to the final installment of a series I have scoffed at and mocked since their inception? See previous answer above.

On my way to work this morning, an oldie but a goodie came up on the I-Pod. This one is laced with pretty classic punk rifts and power chords. Predictable, but at the same time, Amber Pacific still manages to put a smile on my place when it comes across my years. Perhaps, it is more based out of nostalgia, but I’m O.K. with that.

Snapshot Sunday-Karaoke

Posted: October 14, 2012 in Photography
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photos taken with IPhone 4S

Do not let my fickle flesh go to waste
As it keeps my heart and soul in its place
And I will love with urgency, but not with haste

 

It’s time for another Thursday Friday music post! I realize it’s a day late, but yesterday got a little cray for me at the jobby job. Besides, there’s some weeks I forget to post this entirely. So, without further haste (see what I did there), the song that came up on my I-pod on the drive to work this yesterday morning was this pleasant little tune from the new Mumford & Sons album. If you liked the first album, I definitely recommend picking up this second one. It’s super fetch. If you have yet to experience Mumford & Sons…I am fighting the urge to slap you, but will refrain and instead insist that you check them out! DO IT NOW!

 

One thing many don’t realize about me is that my life is very different from the life I lived years back. After high school, I tried College; it wasn’t for me, and I wasn’t ready for it yet. So, I gathered my savings, got in my car and just drove. I traveled from city to city working odd jobs here and there to keep me afloat and get me to my next destination. The life I live is very different from that life, and honestly I don’t think I could do it again. I have grown to love my worldly possessions, and don’t know that I could live a life without my toys. What I do miss is the simplicity of it all though. Literally living life one day at a time and only worrying about that day. A life with no roots and no permanence meant I could take people or leave em. I didn’t have to worry about bureaucracies or playing nice. If someone was disingenuous or just a douche-nozzle, I would simply move on and discontinue interaction with said douch-nozzle; easy enough. This also made it easier to strike up conversations with perfect strangers knowing I had the option of pushing them out of my reality if it turned out we didn’t mesh. It allowed me to truly get to know someone for better or worst before I passed judgement, knowing that I could just as easily purge someone from my life as it was to let them in. This is what life without roots and permanence allowed, and I met some of the most interesting people and characters during my travels. I miss this. While permanence has given me friendships and bonds that will last a lifetime (for which I am ever so grateful), I find myself going through the motions and playing the bureaucracy game, but more importantly a senstion that I am forced to adapt to those around me. I have this gnawing feeling I am slowly being assimilated (resistance is futile) into a drone, and I don’t like it. So, I want to strive to not lose myself in the assimilation process. Make it a point to not engage in petty self-serving stroking of egos. Make it a point to seek first to understand. Be mindful to not purge others and make them feel like Others simply because they are new or foreign to the social circle I showed up with. Engage in conversations with perfect strangers even if they may seem a little out there without being judgy. Not engage with others, including my own friends, when they encroach into the judgy zone or maybe just call them out on it. So, my life is very different now than it was then. But I can still strive to be that go-lucky quirky guy I became living on the road. I miss that guy. I miss the amazing stories you would hear from those that were seemingly ordinary or seemed so out there that the natural inclination was to not engage or stay away. You know, kind of like a dude who randomly shows up around town and goes bar hopping…in a panda suit.

My first encounter with the Panda brought glee in what was turning out to be a really shitty night. Some found a dancing panda showing up at the bar totally awesome.  Others rolled their eyes, assumed the dude behind the fuzzy suit was “weird”, a “freak”, or just “not right”. I thought it was delightful, but didn’t really engage in conversation beyond getting a quick photo snapped with him, after all, it was still a dude in a panda suit.  So, the second time I ran into Mr. Panda I had to ask about the back-story behind the suit. Turns out, he found out he was dying. So, naturally, he decides to buy a panda suit. Why? So, he can bring a smile to the faces of those he crosses paths with. So, he can just be goofy in a time of uncertainty and what could be full of morose  Yet, he chooses goofiness, so he can make others smile. One comment from his Facebook profile reads, “I’m a dying man just trying to make people happy before I go…I love making people smile. That’s all I want to do.” Now, maybe his story was just complete bullshit as many have pointed out to me, but I choose to believe in the good intentions behind it regardless of how accurate his story may or may not be. So, meeting a panda at the local dive bar = FTW! Taking the time to talk the Panda up and Hearing his back-story and what he’s gone through = BONUS! It really helped snap me back into focus. The realization that one doesn’t have to live a vagabond lifestyle to experience amazing encounters like this; one just has to be open to them.

Aside  —  Posted: October 9, 2012 in awesome, Uncategorized
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So, I took a pretty long hiatus from the bloggy blog. My last post got a little too serious, and I felt the need to step back a wee bit. It’s going to be hard not to engage in the political jabber jab with the elections coming up. I want to get back to the tongue-in-cheek and light-hearted posts of yesteryear.

So, naturally I thought, why not just start off with one of the staples. I had this little habit of posting a song on Thursdays. I thought this time around, I’ll post the song that randomly comes up on my I-Pod on my morning drive to work on Thursdays. This will be fun! This is a great way to kick-off the light-hearted posts that are sure to bring delight to your daily lives and maybe brighten your day. Remember folks, we can be rainbows and not pain-bows.

So, the song that comes up on my I-Pod this morning? DOH! I find it to be beautiful, but quite possibly one of the more controversial songs in my library. Baby steps…

Working in higher education comes with ebbs and flows through times of utter chaos and moments where you can finally begin to take momentary breathers. The last month of the semester is usually utter chaos, so please forgive me for my inconsistent and lack of posts up in this blog-o-sphere!

While it has been quite some time since I have posted, this week brought on a series of events that stirred up some mixed emotions; a blog post was inevitable. The events I am about to describe made me realize there was a slight possibility I hadn’t fully processed some eye opening incidents that occurred during my tenure in grad school, which happened to be located in a less than liberal state (that’s putting it lightly through the use of alliteration). This week, a roller coaster of events have been unfolding on Capitol Hill regarding the great heated debate of…wait for it…MARRIAGE OF THE GAYS!

Alright, so Obama took the typical political waffling on this controversial issue spouting something about evolutionary gay feelings rather than walking down the path Biden & other members of his administration had laid before him. Needless to say, folks weren’t very happy about it. Yet, there was something Machiavellian about the way Obama neither denied nor confirmed support of marriage equality. One could assume this was due to the social stigma created by right wing socialization, and his full backing behind Biden would inevitably lead to a loss in votes. It is after-all, an election year. Whether it was the realization that there was more at play here than skirting the question or a loss of patience for waiting to hear a confirmation of what was echoed in his campaign speeches of hope and change; a crack began to form.

Then along came the state of North Carolina with this little amendment called one. Supporters and allies united and cried out with tweets, status updates, and memes expressing their disgust and disappointment that progress seems to remain stagnant among pockets throughout the nation. In its quake history was made. For the first time, the in-office President of the United States of America publicly supports same-sex marriage. Huzzah! The news made me want to celebrate…I just wanted to DANCE! Except, there was a part of me that felt uneasy about the whole thing. As I had alluded to before, it all seemed so calculated; the timing seemed to be perfect like the type of a sexy move that ends with a swirl…

Chris Weigant of The Huffington Post pinpointed what I was feeling perfectly:

What we just witnessed, for roughly the past four days, was not a “breaking story” or even an “evolution” of any sort. What we just witnessed, capped this morning by President Barack Obama’s statement of support for gay marriage, was nothing more than the introduction of a new (political) product. It was a “new and improved” product rollout — nothing more, nothing less.Admittedly, I’ve been conflicted. Of course, I recognize it is a historical milestone to have the President and his administration openly support marriage equality, which is truly a positive mark for progress. However, the fact it is being used as a political strategy does seem troublesome.

Admittedly, I am conflicted. Don’t get me wrong, the historical milestone to have the President and his administration openly support marriage equality is truly a positive mark for progress. However, I do find the seemingly commodification of the gay community as a strategic tool for re-election troublesome. But was it bothering me enough to contemplate my support and decision to re-elect? Who knew sifting through Facebook status-updates/discussions/debates/snarky-rebuttals/cat-fights of those who would all agree that marriage should be a freedom shared by all American citizens would spurn on a metaphorical spirit walk. While I certainly felt uneasy and found myself questioning Obama’s motives, there are some that are in full-blown hulk smash mode.

Comments that followed and seen throughout the world of Facebook and Twitter illustrate the crack formed from Biden’s support vs. Obama’s initial silence in regards to marriage equality seemed to increase to a sort of a schism. Below is a list of  highlights taken from responses to the status update above, but note that not all comments are in their entirety yet still represent the general tone of the discussion. (authors of comments have been kept anonymous for privacy reasons; if you recognize your words and would like to be listed as the author email me, and I will be happy to do so):

  • I’m glad you’re not fooled
  • Thank You! I was saying many of the same things…
  • Love you and you deserve equality.
  • There’s no difference between a president who supports same sex marriage and one who doesn’t if the one who does support it is commodifying same sex couples just to get reelected.
  • It’s not like this is an election year and he put his re-election in jeopardy with this statement. Was it a political ploy, probably, but Obama is a politician and this is how Presidents who support gay rights get re-elected.
  • Did he really put his re-election in jeopardy, though? i mean, anyone who is so against gay marriage that they’re angered by this wasn’t voting for the guy anyway. plus, this will help in reenergizing the young liberal base he’ll need to win.
  • In an ideal world full of non-hateful un-morons, yes, I would want him to have made this move earlier. But given reality, I’m just glad we have a guy in the White House who has the right position. Please remember that the other side is the one that wants to make a task force to investigate the “infringement of religious rights” that gay marriage represents and vows to enforce DOMA.
  • If you don’t think that Obama has felt this way all along, you’re naive. But I’m tired of our side (liberals) getting indignant about playing politics while the other side whips our ass.
  • I don’t care how Obama has felt all along, but resenting being used as a political pawn for someone else’s gain doesn’t come from naivety. It comes from encountering people who will call me a faggot on the street only to turn around say that they support my rights to an audience because they love the sound of two things: 1.) Applause, and; 2.) Their own voice.
  • You don’t know how much it breaks my heart to know the prejudice you’ve faced. I hate it and I swear to you if you told me what to do to help you with any of that, I would be there to do whatever it was. I mean that. I don’t feel that he is using you or this position as a political game. I think this is part of a larger, totally defensible agenda that you probably support in spirit.
Reading about the prejudices Amitheonlyone had to face broke my heart as well. I hated that this individual had to go through what he was describing, but this one comment also brought back some strong emotions and experiences I had encountered while I was attending grad school and residing in the same city where Amitheonlyone is currently residing in. To illustrate, I am going to enlist the help of one of my besties.
Ladies and Gentlemen; welcome my dear friend, whom we shall call Boo, as she tells you about one of said encounters that stuck with me. Seriously though, if you’re ever in Portland, check out the comedy scene; you may run into her and hilarity will most certainly ensue.

On the particular night Boo is describing, I was genuinely scared. I had dealt with ignorance and ugliness like that from a distance living in Wyoming. I came out of the closet in 1998 only to slam the door shut on my way back in after reading the headline of Shepard’s death; As Shepard was fighting for his life in a Colorado hospital, a Colorado State University homecoming float carried a scarecrow decorated with signs hung on a scarecrow that read “I’m Gay” and “Up My Ass.” Needless to say, I stayed pretty low on the gaydar until I left Wyoming. The night described above was the first time I was in direct contact with this kind of hatred. I was convinced I was going to be the victim of a hate-crime, but not for being gay like I had always feared, but simply for voting in favor of Obama.

Kansas was also the first time and place I was the direct victim of discrimination. Again, I had always heard about it happening and saw it happen indirectly living in Wyoming, but never really experienced it. My second year in grad school, I had been living in my apartment on my own for about a year while my partner finished his undergrad degree in Minnesota. I found myself being told by my landlord my partner of 4 years could not move in with me after he moved to Kansas to be with me after he graduated. The justification was that the apartments were only one bedroom. I explained he was my partner, and my landlord responded they don’t allow couples to move in either. The only problem with that reasoning was there was a couple living above me and right beside me. His response to this—they were married. My landlord refused to put his justification in writing, cited housing laws stating he could choose to or deny rent to whomever he wants, and also refused to let me out of my lease. The existing human rights ordinance did not include sexual orientation as a protected class. I had no choice but to stay even after his disapproval of me was made very clear and his presence at my building through “random” check-ins increased from seldom to several times a week. I vividly remember convulsively sobbing to my friend Boo on the phone (she had moved to Oregon a few months prior) as I explained there was nothing I could do about it and the landlord knew it!

So, I can understand the anger in Amitheonlyone’s status update and his vehement disdain at Obama’s support of gay marriage, only to follow that statement up with his stance that states should be the entity to make the decision whether to legalize or ban. During my last year in Kansas, I  spoke at City Council meetings, public forums, and demonstrations to bring awareness that discrimination does happen and the inclusion of sexual orientation into the city’s discrimination clause was not only the right thing to, but necessary. Sexual Orientation was added to the existing human rights city ordinance, but was overturned months later after new City Council members were elected. Recently, the state passed a law stating that discrimination against the LGBT community was permissible if it was due to moral or religious reasons. So, yes, I understand the anger and disappointment Amitheonlyone is feeling.

Many status updates and tweets reflect this same anger and frustration at the hesitation of Obama to solidify his stance, and then using his announcement as a poltical maneuver in order to garner votes. One comment reads, “He’s doing it to get votes, Do not think he is really o.k. with it.”

Obama’s timely support of same-sex marriage is more than likely a political strategy, however, it is not indicative of whether or not he is okay with it. The truth of the matter is, there is a high probability he has been in support with marriage equality all along, but in our world of politics, one has to be strategic about how they express their viewpoints. Moreover, many opposing comments throughout Facebook reflect that politics inherently consist of game-playing and stratagems whether we like it or not, and Obama seems to have gotten the hang of the game.

My last year in Kansas, there was a small handfull, three to four, members of the community that would come to the City Council meetings in support of me speaking on my housing experiences. It was one of the scariest yet most fulfilling things I had done during my time there, although it didn’t seem to have an affect at the time. I was certainly deflated as those who sought to maintain the status quo tossed out accusations that my situation was fabricated in order to fuel the discussion on amending the ordinance. Months later after I had moved out of the state, I saw a post regarding a decision to declare June pride month in Manhattan and the possibility of taking a vote in order to address amending the ordinance. I watched the meeting from a live Internet feed. During the public comments section of the meeting, I was overwhelmed with tears one after the other was expressing their gratitude and urging that the issue was going to continue to be pursued. The movement had gained momentum. One year after I had left, I returned to the city to speak at a Pride Parade and demonstration. I was once again amazed at the number of people that publicly showed their support for equality including the now secure and out Amitheonlyone, straight allies and gay folk alike,  all united under one common need for equal human rights where just a year before the movement seeemed to consist of only a handful of active members.

Perhaps the most disturbing after-effect of the frustration and disdain over Obama’s “strategic move,” is the divide it has created among equality advocates. One response to Amitheonlyone’s status update I found truly insightful read:

What kills me is that we’re on the same side. You know that, right? I understand that I’m a white, middle-class, heterosexual male. I never forget the privilege I was born into and have spent most of today trying to ask others what I can legitimately do to help. So what depresses me, what causes me great concern, is that you and I are bickering over a man who today endorsed what both you and I believe…The gay rights movement is fairly new in the social consciousness. And right or wrong, we have to contend with how best to deal with the raging, hateful idiots who use our shared, totally morally correct position to fundraise and mobilize for politicians who will crush what we believe.

I strongly believe one of the obstacles in the LGBT rights movement are the fractured and divisive ideologies that exist within the community itself, which then lead to mixed messages for the movement at large. Those opposed to the “gay lifestyle” seize these divisions and exploit the mixed messages to further stifle our cause.

I will admit that there was a big part of me that was concerned Obama will use his stance as a bargaining chip when it comes to deliberating with congress. But then I looked at the bigger picture and realize change and progress take time and often the big picture cannot be achieved without the baby steps. It is important to realize policy doesn’t just happen overnight, and more importantly not to forget the change that has been enacted and the progress that has been made. I am hopeful that if granted a second term, there will be some follow-through, and Obama will fight to make this country that much closer to a state of true equality despite any resistance from congress he may face. We live in a time of many firsts for the gay community, and I am confident the President will work to make more happen and make room to allow for more to happen after his second term. Faith.

So, while I can definitely relate and understand the frustrations that arise when it seems like we are so close to being equal, yet still remain ever so separate; I leave you with these final thoughts. Remember what it feels like when the group comes together and a simple act of sharing your collective stories and experiences produce profound affects that you didn’t realize was possible. Remember the accomplishments that seemed so insurmountable become less daunting when everyone works together. Remember how infuriating it feels when others refuse to look outside their own narrow lens to consider other perspectives beside their own and ask yourself if you are guilty of the same.

One of the great problems of our age is that people care more about their feelings than about their thoughts and ideas. Watch your thoughts, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny. What we think is what we become.

~Margaret Thatcher, The Iron Lady

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Image  —  Posted: April 15, 2012 in Music, Photography, Uncategorized
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